Birthday Treats
by Novacaine Child
Summary: It's Vince's special day, and his loving boyfriend Howard wants to make it very special... There is smut and it is very smutty. Read at your own risk. R&R! Please!


**Hello Booshies and Booshettes! Sorry for not writing for ever, I just started my 2nd college year and I am sooo busy :( This is a brand new story, and it's not for kids. Discretion advised.**

**Summary: Howard skiis the net to find Vince a suitable birthday gift. Madness ensues.**

**Warnings: I don't wanna be spoilery, just be advised that this is MATURE FOR A REASON. A MATURE REASON.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Mighty Boosh or any related characters. I am thinking of moulding figurines out of Fimo. **

It'd been a few days since Howard had discovered the truth about Vince. They'd been going out for six months now, had been intimate in almost every way possible, yet Vince had been nervous about telling his lover that what he wanted was far from the tender, awkward but loving caresses that Howard administered, far from sweet, complimentary words, far from lingering, romantic kisses.

It wasn't until Howard had logged on to Vince's laptop for the first time that he realised.

Vince's laptop wasn't exactly private; despite the material on it, there were no passwords or locks, and though this might have seemed unusual, there wouldn't be much point to setting them up. Obviously, Naboo could have charmed his way past the barriers in a few minutes, and anyway, Vince had no reason to believe that Naboo cared about the contents of his laptop enough to take time out of his busy schedule of getting wasted to access it. Bollo might have assumed that Vince had porn on his laptop, but humans weren't really his thing, and he had his own computer to sign in to Mandrill-Wives daily. And as for Howard… well, he was just a bit of a technophobe. He didn't own anything electronic, and the most hi-tech thing he'd ever used was the Nabootique till. Vince didn't see him as a threat.

Really, it was a total accident that Howard had stumbled across Vince's private history. Vince had left the laptop, forgotten, switched on and open on the sofa when he went out, insisting that he'd just be a few minutes, that a sample sale had just started at TopShop and it was necessary to his general wellbeing that he go. Howard had rolled his eyes fondly, told Vince to call when he was coming home, and kissed him softly before he left. Vince had grinned, but with slightly less enthusiasm than Howard would have liked. For some reason, the passion had gone out of him recently.

As Vince's skinny hips swung tauntingly out of the door, Howard glanced over at the laptop. He'd never used one before and to him it was an intimidating piece of technology. But Vince's birthday was coming up, and Howard knew that Vince was always "skiing (or was it skating?) the web" for items that he wanted, and making lists of clothes that he would buy as soon as he had the means. Howard had no idea what to get Vince (his tastes seemed to change very fast) so these lists could come in very handy. Nervously, feeling that Vince wouldn't mind Howard using the laptop as long as he didn't hurt it, he picked up the lightweight portable computer and went to Naboo's room. He hovered in the doorway, eyeing the robed man with the hookah between his lips.

"Naboo?"

"What d'you want?"

"Can I sit in here with you? I'm gonna look at Vince's computer-thing and find out what he wants for his birthday but I want you close by in case I break it."

"You are a bit of a ballbag when it comes to technology. Alright then, if you don't mind breathing in fumes."

"I'll survive. What are you smoking?"

"Cricket balls."

"Ah."

Howard sat down next to the tiny shaman and stared blankly at the computer. Naboo sighed.

"Click on the internet explorer icon. That's the big blue "E". Then you can go into favourites; the gold star in the corner. And if you look in the visited column, you'll get a list of sites he's been on within the last two weeks." Howard laboriously followed Naboo's instructions, scanning down the list of Vince's recently visited, then favourite websites.

"'KinkyAngel… SlaveOnline… LatexWhipped…" Howard frowned a little and looked questioningly at Naboo, who shrugged.

"Lots of clothes websites are called weird stuff like that. Maybe from his goth days?" Howard smiled comprehendingly.

"Ah. These are all recent though, maybe he's re-entering the gothic stage. He had loads of eyeliner on this morning. And those spiky boots."

Naboo looked away, clearly uninterested. Howard sighed, and clicked on the first website in the list of Vince's favourites. His eyes grew wide as he was directed to the page.

BDSM. Slaves. Whips. Dildos. PVC. Latex. Leather. Gags. Blindfolds. Clamps. Bits. Restraints. Masks. Handcuffs.

"What are you looking at?" Naboo asked, sounding vaguely surprised.

"It… it was in his favourite websites," Howard faltered. He took in the images. A man, kneeling on the floor, his eyes clinging adoringly to a disdainful mistress clutching a cat-of-nine-tails. Another, of a slave, legs spread, bent over a metal bar and locked into place, a gag in her mouth and tears streaming over her cheeks. Strange, though, how her eyes didn't look sad, but hungry.

Howard stared in confusion, then went to the favourites list again. He clicked on the next link, and was directed to a similar page. The heading proclaimed it to be called "LoveHurts" and displayed any number of devices designed to hurt people from the inside out, for reasons Howard couldn't quite grasp.

"Naboo?" he questioned. Naboo smiled slightly and took the laptop from Howard's lap, quickly going through the list of sites in Vince's favourites. About a quarter were clothing stores, but aside from that, every other site was devoted to Dominants and Submissives, bondage and pain.

Howard's eyes grew larger than they'd ever been before, until they were almost as big as Naboo's. Naboo smiled amusedly, if somewhat vaguely.

"Think you know what you wanna give him for his birthday?"

Howard turned red. "I… I had no idea that he… Vince… Naboo, what do I do?"

"I dunno. Go with it. Might be fun."

"But I'm not into that. It's weird."

"Never know until you try."

"I don't like pain!"

"We'll maybe he wants to be in pain and he just wants you to do it. Has he ever tried to hurt you?"

Howard reflected on this, his ears turning a deeper crimson with every memory he called to light. No, Vince had never tried to hurt him, but he'd asked to be hurt, never vocally but through his actions and gestures, by implication, a hundred times. Images flashed through Howard's mind at speed. Vince, writhing beneath him, begging Howard to dig his nails in harder. On his knees in front of him, pulling Howard close enough to choke himself, closing Howard's hands around his own hair and pulling hard. Kissing him softly, then moaning loudly as Howard accidentally caught Vince's lip sharply between his teeth. Bringing home handcuffs, and getting painfully hard even as Howard nervously secured him to the bed.

"No…" Howard muttered. Naboo nodded wisely.

"Probly him then. I was jokin' before but that'd be a really good birthday gift, if he's into that."

"Mmm…"

Naboo shrugged and handed the computer back to Howard.

"Your call. Piss off now."

Howard left the room, deep in thought. He'd never usually agree to such an extreme activity as BDSM play; he hardly even knew what it was. But Vince wanted it. And at even so early in the relationship, Howard was painfully and stupidly in love with his former best friend. And he wanted to please him, even if it meant going to such lengths.

Which is why he sat down at the computer and ordered the most interesting of items he could find. Anything he thought would entertain Vince went straight into his virtual cart. By the time he was finished, over £300 worth of stuff was on its way to their little flat.

It was the morning of Vince's birthday. He'd woken, kissed his boyfriend, straightened his hair, then left for his journey to the post office, to pick up the two sacks full of birthday cards he would inevitably receive, and which the postman always refused to deliver by laboriously slotting envelopes through the letterbox individually. Whilst Vince began lugging the sacks full of kind wishes home, Howard began preparing their room, setting out objects in various places and struggling into garments that made him feel uncomfortable but also, somehow, weirdly sexy.

Vince eventually arrived home, complaining about the ache in his arms.

"…Three sacks this year, genius that so many people care but I have to lug 'em down the fucking street on my own an'…" Howard heard Vince griping from the front room. He took a deep breath, shrugged on his dressing gown, and walked downstairs to take Vince by the hand and lead him to the best birthday gift he would ever receive.

"Awright, Howard," Vince chirruped, his frustrated expression melting away to be replaced by one of adoration as Howard entered the room.

"Hey, little man. Happy birthday."

"Thanks," Vince grinned, dropping the sacks full of cards and scampering over to Howard to receive his morning hug. Howard embraced him easily and breathed in the sweet, fruity smell of Vince's hair, before tilting his lover's chin upwards so that Howard could look him square in the face. Vince smiled again as Howard pressed his lips to the smaller man's, working them as he always did, gently, respectfully. The kiss was short, and as Howard pulled away, Vince looked puzzled. Howard never usually pulled away and their kisses were usually much longer.

"Are you alright, Howard?" Vince asked, sounding concerned.

"I've got a present for you," Howard growled into the whorls of Vince's ear, choosing to ignore the man's question. Vince leaned back to look at Howard and smile excitedly.

"Wicked! What is it?"

"Shut up." Howard spoke abruptly, and Vince jumped, looking stunned.

"…Did I do something to upset-"

"I said shut up!" Howard yelled, feeling slightly silly but managing to prevent his cheeks from turning red. Vince looked frightened and Howard felt a flicker of fear in his stomach in case he'd seriously misjudged the situation. Slowly, he shrugged his robe off.

Vince's widened eyes grew even wider as Howard's nutmeg quilted gown fell to the floor. Under the floor length dressing gown was an outfit that Vince had imagined on Howard a hundred times, but he'd never believe that it could really exist on his lover. Howard's torso was encased in a PVC police jacket, the shiny material fitted tightly to his frame, with chains and metal clips and the policeman's badge decorating the front of it. On the lower half of his body he wore tight leather trousers, which smelled strongly of freshness, from which a pair of steel handcuffs dangled.

Vince swallowed. To anyone else, Howard would look completely ridiculous. To Vince, he was heaven.

**Ooooh Howard in bondage gear. Who wants to know the next bit? You have to clickety click the review button. Look, it's right there? See? Clickety click. Please? **


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